Recently, FrogN went on a family vacation to Disney World. First off, the hotel in which FrogN and her family stayed was decorated with court jesters: two life-size figures in the hotel lobby and one grinning face outside, above the entryway. While FrogN's parental units checked into the hotel, FrogN and Squishy perused the postcards in the gift shop. One card that jumped out at FrogN featured leaping dolphins with little-known facts, one which stated that, prior to popular belief, dolphins are not an endangered species.
Well, about four days into the vacation, it began to rain, and FrogN's mother, prepared for anything, jammed her beloved family into clear, plastic ponchos. The ponchos were clingy, hard to put on, and leaking. As FrogN's family wandered through Magic Kingdom, FrogN and Squishy made fun of the unhelpful ponchos. "I'm wet." "It's because the rain's blowing sideways." "This is a waste of plastic; we're just going to throw these away when we take them off." "Yeah, and they'll end up clogging the oceans and lakes." "And they'll get stuck over dolphin's blow holes, and they'll die." "Yeah, but no one will care because they're not an endangered species." And this was the point at which FrogN's mother said, "They are endangered," and Squishy replied, "The postcard said they weren't." "Well, do you believe everything you read?" "...mom, have you been watching animal planet again? You known, you're not supposed to unless you're supervised."
FrogN's mother is not allowed to watch Animal Planet due to the fact that on the way to church she began talking about exploding sperm whales (if the gases inside of the whale are allowed into the air after death, an explosion will occur). "No!" "Well, than, how do you know they're endangered?" "..." And to help FrogN's mother understand, Squishy ended our beloved conversation with, "You know mom, DoDo's arent endangered either; they're extinct."
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
It's all About Tradition
Every family has its own traditions, and FrogN's family is no exception. In FrogN's family, on Christmas, lasagna is always eaten with one grandmother and butt-shots are taken with (or more usually by) the other. The butt-shot is a long running family tradition dating all the way back to when FrogN's mother was a little girl. Why, what exactly is a butt-shot? A butt-shot is the picture that every family has, whether it knows it or not, of someone half-crawled under the tree, dragging presents out, with only their rear ends showing. FrogN's grandmother is a big picture taker, so for every Christmas for the last umpteen years, FrogN's mother and aunt have had the privelege of having their butt-shots taken. Well, last Christmas, FrogN's aunt's bodyfriend was invited over for Christmas. FrogN's grandmother explained to him the tradition and even went so far as to "entrust" him with the responsibility of taking that year's butt-shots. Well, FrogN's mother and aunt made a conscious effort to keep from bending over and succeeded in going through all of Christmas without presenting to him the opportunity to have their butt-shots taken. Needless to say, they were very proud of their accomplishment...until FrogN's grandmother developed the film and found that in order to compensate, every single picture on the film was of a butt. Ah, tradition.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Crabs' Deaths
Today was a somewhat slow day at work, so FrogN decided to make a new friend. This is Pierre. Pierre would like to introduce himself. Pierre says, "Ello. My name es Pierre. I am a French crab, und I eat ze stinky cheese. Et makes me appy. Zee? I smile. :)"
Unfortunately, due a soap and water related incident, Pierre is no longer with us. The loss of hand-crab Pierre reminded FrogN of when FrogN and Squishy were given hermit crabs for Christmas. After receiving the hermit crabs, they each crawled out of their shells and hid inside of their small plastic hut (which was there to remind the crabs of their natural habitat, along with the smiling caricature crabs playing volleyball on the side of the habitat). Upon researching possible solutions to this problem, a site was found advertising, "Help! My hermit crab's naked!" or something along those lines. FrogN was shocked and appalled by the method advertised; the site recommended, "taking a toothpick and nudging or tapping the crab back into its shell." This is the equivalent of repeatedly bludgeoning a human in the head with a broom handle every time he or she tries to leave their home.
Unfortunately, due a soap and water related incident, Pierre is no longer with us. The loss of hand-crab Pierre reminded FrogN of when FrogN and Squishy were given hermit crabs for Christmas. After receiving the hermit crabs, they each crawled out of their shells and hid inside of their small plastic hut (which was there to remind the crabs of their natural habitat, along with the smiling caricature crabs playing volleyball on the side of the habitat). Upon researching possible solutions to this problem, a site was found advertising, "Help! My hermit crab's naked!" or something along those lines. FrogN was shocked and appalled by the method advertised; the site recommended, "taking a toothpick and nudging or tapping the crab back into its shell." This is the equivalent of repeatedly bludgeoning a human in the head with a broom handle every time he or she tries to leave their home.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
To Oz
FrogN would like to point out that she is not the only one in her family who has done stupid things. In order to prove this, FrogN would like to tell the tale of FrogN's maternal unit. To fully understand this, one must first understand that FrogN's maternal unit has exited the house on more than one occasion with shoes of different colors. Due to the frequency of this, FrogN's maternal unit has gotten into the habit of checking her shoes at the door before she leaves the house. Well, last week, she forgot. Apparently she left the house, got to work, got out of the car, and looked down to see one black and one navy blue shoe. Thinking to "rectify the situation" she went into her office and took out a black sharpie. Unfortunately, the sharpie did not change the shoe's color to black so much as a golden-bronze. Desperate, she repeated the process on the navy shoe, resulting in a matching pair of Dorothy-like shoes. So upset was FrogN's maternal unit that she immediately fled to Wal-mart and purchased a new pair of shoes. Unfortunately, due to her hurry, she left her ID card sitting on her desk, and she had to call one of her coworkers to let her in, pointedly excluding the fact that she'd unintentionally bronzed her shoes. Well, her day went normally from there, and she came home where upon FrogN and Squishy saw the shoes. They forced her to tell the tale, and laughed appropriately. Since FrogN and Squishy's father was fishing at the time, he missed this entertainment. The day after he came home, Frogn was kind enough to inform him of what he had missed. Now, every time he sees FrogN's maternal unit he says, "And Toto, too!" And Squishy kept the shoes to wear to school.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Cooking with FrogN
FrogN's sister, Squishy, has decided that she would like to become a French pastry chef and attend culinary school in France. This has gotten FrogN to thinking about her own culinary endeavors, and FrogN has decided to share some of the more humorous ones with her beloved audience.
Microwave
FrogN's family was on vacation at the beach one year, and (FrogN does not remember why) her parents were away, and she and Squishy were left alone in the hotel room. Well, FrogN decided she was hungry, and -it being a hotel room and all- there were not a lot of food options. FrogN finally decided on a Pop-tart; however, -it being a hotel room and all- there was no toaster, so FrogN decided to microwave it. You know those instructions on the back of packages that say things and people go, "Who'd be dumb enough to do that?" Hello, this is FrogN; those instructions are for her. Instead of finding a proper plate to put them on -it being a hotel room and all- FrogN simply opened the package and carefully set it in the microwave. Immediately, the wrapper shrank to fit the Pop-tarts and began liquifying and the microwave started making noises from a Sci-fi movie. Please keep in mind for future reference that Squishy watched this entire process and, upon questioning FrogN, FrogN replied, "It didn't LOOK like a metal."
Waffle Iron
FrogN purchased a Bugs Bunny waffle iron from a thrift store for less than three dollars. Since her monumental purchase, she has used it a grand total of three times. For her latest attempt, Squishy was present. Due to much goading on behalf of both parties involved, blue food coloring was added to the waffle mix, resulting in bright teal waffles. This in itself was not funny. The conversation between Squishy, FrogN, and their grandmother the next day was.
FrogN: "We made blue waffles yesterday."
Grandmother: "Oh, blueberry waffles?"
Squishy: "No. BLUE waffles."
Oven
FrogN likes pizza; it is a delectable pie that can be eaten as a meal and is relatively simple to fix...for anyone other than FrogN. One day, while FrogN's parents were out, FrogN decided to make a pizza. FrogN took the plastic wrapper off of the pizza, placed the pizza on a cooking pan, placed the pan in the oven at 420, and let it bake for twenty minutes. After the alotted time, FrogN removed the pizza from the oven, set it on top of the stove, and attempted to cut the pizza into slices. FrogN only then realized that she had cooked the pizza with the cardboard still underneath. FrogN required a plastic spatula, a steak knife, the pizza cutter, a fork that ended up bending, and a slight swinging motion on the part of FrogN to get the cardboard detached from the pizza. Squishy laughed through FrogN's entire ordeal with the pizza seperation and forgot to add Pam to the bottom of her brownie pan, thus making it impossible to separate the brownies from the pan. FrogN has decided that karma does indeed exist.
Microwave: The Sequel
Now, remember how FrogN said to remember that Squishy was there while FrogN maimed her Pop-tart? Here is why. Some time after returning home from vacation, there was a leftover Arby's sandwich in the refrigerator, and Squishy was hungry. Well, Squishy decided that she would microwave her sandwich, but didn't want to go to the trouble of getting a plate, so Squishy simply stuck it in the microwave. Well, the microwave made the Sci-fi noises, but instead of shrinking/melting the wrapper, it spontaneously combusted. FrogN watched the entire process, and (after putting the flaming burger out, of course) stated, "Because it didn't LOOK like a metal! Right?!" to which Squishy replied, "Exactly!"
Note: All of the food that was cooked (admitedly, strangely) was eaten by FrogN and Squishy with no known ill effects.
Microwave
FrogN's family was on vacation at the beach one year, and (FrogN does not remember why) her parents were away, and she and Squishy were left alone in the hotel room. Well, FrogN decided she was hungry, and -it being a hotel room and all- there were not a lot of food options. FrogN finally decided on a Pop-tart; however, -it being a hotel room and all- there was no toaster, so FrogN decided to microwave it. You know those instructions on the back of packages that say things and people go, "Who'd be dumb enough to do that?" Hello, this is FrogN; those instructions are for her. Instead of finding a proper plate to put them on -it being a hotel room and all- FrogN simply opened the package and carefully set it in the microwave. Immediately, the wrapper shrank to fit the Pop-tarts and began liquifying and the microwave started making noises from a Sci-fi movie. Please keep in mind for future reference that Squishy watched this entire process and, upon questioning FrogN, FrogN replied, "It didn't LOOK like a metal."
Waffle Iron
FrogN purchased a Bugs Bunny waffle iron from a thrift store for less than three dollars. Since her monumental purchase, she has used it a grand total of three times. For her latest attempt, Squishy was present. Due to much goading on behalf of both parties involved, blue food coloring was added to the waffle mix, resulting in bright teal waffles. This in itself was not funny. The conversation between Squishy, FrogN, and their grandmother the next day was.
FrogN: "We made blue waffles yesterday."
Grandmother: "Oh, blueberry waffles?"
Squishy: "No. BLUE waffles."
Oven
FrogN likes pizza; it is a delectable pie that can be eaten as a meal and is relatively simple to fix...for anyone other than FrogN. One day, while FrogN's parents were out, FrogN decided to make a pizza. FrogN took the plastic wrapper off of the pizza, placed the pizza on a cooking pan, placed the pan in the oven at 420, and let it bake for twenty minutes. After the alotted time, FrogN removed the pizza from the oven, set it on top of the stove, and attempted to cut the pizza into slices. FrogN only then realized that she had cooked the pizza with the cardboard still underneath. FrogN required a plastic spatula, a steak knife, the pizza cutter, a fork that ended up bending, and a slight swinging motion on the part of FrogN to get the cardboard detached from the pizza. Squishy laughed through FrogN's entire ordeal with the pizza seperation and forgot to add Pam to the bottom of her brownie pan, thus making it impossible to separate the brownies from the pan. FrogN has decided that karma does indeed exist.
Microwave: The Sequel
Now, remember how FrogN said to remember that Squishy was there while FrogN maimed her Pop-tart? Here is why. Some time after returning home from vacation, there was a leftover Arby's sandwich in the refrigerator, and Squishy was hungry. Well, Squishy decided that she would microwave her sandwich, but didn't want to go to the trouble of getting a plate, so Squishy simply stuck it in the microwave. Well, the microwave made the Sci-fi noises, but instead of shrinking/melting the wrapper, it spontaneously combusted. FrogN watched the entire process, and (after putting the flaming burger out, of course) stated, "Because it didn't LOOK like a metal! Right?!" to which Squishy replied, "Exactly!"
Note: All of the food that was cooked (admitedly, strangely) was eaten by FrogN and Squishy with no known ill effects.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Ramblings
(Initial rambling) FrogN has been thinking of past events and happenings and has decided to share one of them that she finds humorous with her loyal readers.
FrogN will speak of one of FrogN's friend's maternal parental unit's skewed observations. FrogN's friend (we shall call FrogN's friend KT; aren't those nice letters?) had FrogN over to her house one afternoon. While FrogN was visiting KT, KT mentioned that KT's mother thought FrogN was a goth. Now, even though FrogN has had little experience with people who consider themselves goths, (while FrogN has no problem with goths; all those people at Hot Topic where anime is sold to FrogN are nifty) she does not consider herself to be a goth by any stretch of the imagination. (In fact, it is near impossible to put FrogN into any sort of category because FrogN is unlike any other person one would ever happen to meet. Also, categories are like boxes, and FrogN does not like to be in boxes; please refrain from putting FrogN in a box.) FrogN then asked KT as to why KT's mother thought FrogN was a goth. KT responded, "Because you have long, dark hair and always wear a black hoodie." FrogN finds this to be funny; FrogN has naturally dark hair and wears her hair long because she has always worn her hair long except for once, when it was unpleasantly short and tickled the back of FrogN's neck. FrogN does wear her black hoodie much of the time; it is warm and soft and was on sale at Wal-mart.
(Conclusive rambling) About two weeks ago, FrogN and Squishy (for those who have forgotten, Squishy is FrogN's junior sibling by five years) were at Wal-mart. While standing in line to check out at Wal-mart, Squishy was asked by the person directly in front of her if they were twins. This was not the first time it occurred; in fact, last month the question was asked by an employee at Best Buy and by several random people at the mall. FrogN is confused. First off, is this something that is normally asked? Do people normally go up to real twins whom they have never met and ask them if they are twins? If so, FrogN would like to be the first to say that that sort of behavior is utterly bizarre. Also, FrogN does not see how she and Squishy could be mistaken for twins; in addition to the age gap, FrogN and Squishy have different eye and hair color, skin tone, and face shape. FrogN will conclude this rambling by saying that as a direct result of this confusion, FrogN and Squishy have made the conscious decision to be twins from this point on.
FrogN will speak of one of FrogN's friend's maternal parental unit's skewed observations. FrogN's friend (we shall call FrogN's friend KT; aren't those nice letters?) had FrogN over to her house one afternoon. While FrogN was visiting KT, KT mentioned that KT's mother thought FrogN was a goth. Now, even though FrogN has had little experience with people who consider themselves goths, (while FrogN has no problem with goths; all those people at Hot Topic where anime is sold to FrogN are nifty) she does not consider herself to be a goth by any stretch of the imagination. (In fact, it is near impossible to put FrogN into any sort of category because FrogN is unlike any other person one would ever happen to meet. Also, categories are like boxes, and FrogN does not like to be in boxes; please refrain from putting FrogN in a box.) FrogN then asked KT as to why KT's mother thought FrogN was a goth. KT responded, "Because you have long, dark hair and always wear a black hoodie." FrogN finds this to be funny; FrogN has naturally dark hair and wears her hair long because she has always worn her hair long except for once, when it was unpleasantly short and tickled the back of FrogN's neck. FrogN does wear her black hoodie much of the time; it is warm and soft and was on sale at Wal-mart.
(Conclusive rambling) About two weeks ago, FrogN and Squishy (for those who have forgotten, Squishy is FrogN's junior sibling by five years) were at Wal-mart. While standing in line to check out at Wal-mart, Squishy was asked by the person directly in front of her if they were twins. This was not the first time it occurred; in fact, last month the question was asked by an employee at Best Buy and by several random people at the mall. FrogN is confused. First off, is this something that is normally asked? Do people normally go up to real twins whom they have never met and ask them if they are twins? If so, FrogN would like to be the first to say that that sort of behavior is utterly bizarre. Also, FrogN does not see how she and Squishy could be mistaken for twins; in addition to the age gap, FrogN and Squishy have different eye and hair color, skin tone, and face shape. FrogN will conclude this rambling by saying that as a direct result of this confusion, FrogN and Squishy have made the conscious decision to be twins from this point on.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Fall
For today's point of interest, FrogN would like to discuss 'Fall'.
First of all, it is the only season that requires both a casual and formal address: Fall in addition to Autumn. There is really no point in this.
Next, there is the change in temperature. FrogN finds the utmost horror in putting on a jacket that she has not worn in eight months only to pull a hand out filled with peppermint wrappers and used tissue.
Lastly, let us not forget that with the changing of the temperatures comes the changing of the trees: those horrible, sadistic trees. Many people find the color changes of the trees marvelously beautiful; FrogN is not one of them. The changing of the leaves is a warning; "Ha ha, foolish humans, you must now rake up all of these dead pieces of me or else your lawn will become slippery and develop a strange smell." Has anyone other than FrogN stopped to think about that. Fallen leaves are the tree equivalent of dead skin cells of a human, dandruff. Also, the tool which is used to collect dead leaves, a rake, is itself a ridiculously large and badly developed fork. This is just something that FrogN thought you would enjoy thinking about this time next month when all of you humans are outside forking up tree dander. Enjoy.
First of all, it is the only season that requires both a casual and formal address: Fall in addition to Autumn. There is really no point in this.
Next, there is the change in temperature. FrogN finds the utmost horror in putting on a jacket that she has not worn in eight months only to pull a hand out filled with peppermint wrappers and used tissue.
Lastly, let us not forget that with the changing of the temperatures comes the changing of the trees: those horrible, sadistic trees. Many people find the color changes of the trees marvelously beautiful; FrogN is not one of them. The changing of the leaves is a warning; "Ha ha, foolish humans, you must now rake up all of these dead pieces of me or else your lawn will become slippery and develop a strange smell." Has anyone other than FrogN stopped to think about that. Fallen leaves are the tree equivalent of dead skin cells of a human, dandruff. Also, the tool which is used to collect dead leaves, a rake, is itself a ridiculously large and badly developed fork. This is just something that FrogN thought you would enjoy thinking about this time next month when all of you humans are outside forking up tree dander. Enjoy.
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